My Pain Through A Journey Selections
by Chimhill
Summary: AU- a selection of one shots, each story is individual written with teh same theme taht fits the main title..  I will be back with Timeless i will continue and complete it. This is just storie sthat needed to get out...
1. The Hardest Thing

_**The Hardest Thing**_

_**A One Shot**_

_It's been along time coming since I knew this is all going to become too much where I will just run my mouth and hurt you all over again. It's been so long that I tried to push through all the pain that entered my life. _

_So here I am sitting on a deserted beach far away from humans. Far away from you. All alone as I am writing you these words._

_**We both know that I shouldn't be here**_

_**This is wrong**_

_**And baby its killing me, its killing you.**_

_**Both of us trying to be strong.**_

_You know how much I loved you, I still do I probably always will. Like I always said forever and always. Spence, when I first laid eyes on you my heart was in aww over the beauty and the love you brought to my life. Things have been bad between us for quite sometime, even you saw it happening. I tried holding on, I tried opening up to you more, but you just never let me forget about what happened in the past._

_**I've got somewhere else to be **_

_**Promises to keep**_

_I have let you down so many times, I kept promising you things that I will change that you will see the change in me, but baby I cant. I want to change so badly for you because I know I love you and probably always will, but there is another person who also needs me now. I want to be able to help someone in need, and maybe you don't understand my reasoning why._

_**Someone else who loves me**_

_**And trust me fast asleep**_

_**I've made up my mind**_

_**There is no turning back**_

_This might break you hard, but baby this is the hardest thing I have ever had to say to you. I know I have been saying things to you, to hurt you more then anyone else ever could. Maybe I am doing that too block you out. To defied our hearts from each other. To put that wall you once upon a time break through. I can't say that I will never love you, because I will always love you. My heart is yours, always. But there is another person who needs me too. Someone I can't leave at her own discretions._

_**She's been good to me**_

_**And she deserves better than that**_

_**It's the hardest thing I'll ever have to do**_

_**To look you in the eye**_

_**And tell you I don't love you**_

_I thought at one point you and I will always be lovers, best friends or even mothers, raising our beautiful kids. I wish that you know that I do love you, I just can't be with you now. Maybe all those words I have said to you over the months would kill anything left there were between us. _

_**It's the hardest thing I'll ever have to lie**_

_**To show no emotion when you start **_

_**To cry**_

_**I can't let you see what you mean to me**_

_**When my hands are tied and my heart's not free.**_

_**Were not meant to be**_

_You were always right me being too overly friendly with other women was always my downfall; I can't imagine what you might be going through right now. Just know I never meant to break your heart. I was just a stupid girl that always ends up doing the stupidest thing in this world. I lost you for the sake of another woman, who I don't think I love at all._

_**It's the hardest thing I'll ever have to do**_

_**To turn around and walk away**_

_**Pretending I don't love you**_

_**I know that we'll meet again**_

_Here we are two souls lost without each other. Trying too finding ways to forget we once loved each other. The world is a cruel place to live in especially when I am the one who was cruel to begin with. I trust that one day our hearts will find there ways back to each other. Because pretending not too care and love you are the hardest thing I have to do._

_**Fate has a place and a time **_

_**So you can get on with your life**_

_**I've got to be cruel to be kind**_

_**All my love I'll be sending**_

_**And you will never know cause**_

_**There can be no happy ending**_

_**It's the hardest thing I'll ever have to do**_

_The love we shared will always be with us. Spencer I hope you don't hate me for too long, because one day I am going to get my life back together and walk up to your door and I hope that you wont shut the door in my face, because baby you will always be the one that got away._

_The hardest thing I have had to let go._


	2. What Do You Want

_**What do You Want**_

_**One Shot**_

_My hearts beating as the music flows threw my speakers. I have been listening to this song for quite sometime. Every time we done talking to this song keeps playing on my mind or over the radio. Sometimes I just break down and cry as tears never stop. It's still so hard knowing that you have moved on with someone else._

_**Why'd you call me today with nothing new to say?**_

_**You pretend its just hello, but you know**_

_**What it does to me to see your number**_

_**On the phone.**_

_Why did you call me? Why do want too hurt me. Knowing hearing your voice takes me back, it takes me back to another memory and another lifetime. When it was just you and me. There are so many nights I sit with my phone wanting to call you, but I have to tell myself, to stop, that you are gone and that I have to move on to. _

_**Now tell me, what do you want?**_

_**What do you want? What do you want from me?**_

_**Are you trying to bring back the tears or just the memories?**_

_Ashley I was so in love with you. Then now and then when you call me, I sometimes I asked myself why you call me. Why take us back to the heartbreak. Leaving me all over again. I get so tired of doing this all over again. When my friends have to do whatever to get my mind off you._

_**You keep taking me back. Taking me back where I've already been.**_

_**When you hang up it's almost like I'm losing you again.**_

_**Can't you see? So what do you want, what do you want from me.**_

_**I get so tired of living like this.**_

_When you say hello. I feel that strange feeling you once put there. When you say goodbye, my heart breaks all over again. I stay awake at night thinking if you were calling me that you were content with your life. That you moved on and I have to pick up the pieces again. _

_**I don't have the time, neither do my friends,**_

_**To stay up at night, to pull me through**_

_**And to find the things to keep my mind off of you.**_

_**So now tell me, what do you want?**_

_**What do you want? What do you want from me?**_

_**Did you call to say you've find someone else and I'm used to be,**_

_If you have moved on don't tell me because I have just about lift myself up from my broken heart. From the pain you have left me with._

_There are times I thought that you wouldn't do that hurt me. Don't call me. If you want me to be happy don't call me, hearing your voice alone breaks me apart._

_**If you've moved on moved on why does it feel like I'm losing you again?**_

_**Can't you see? So what do you want?**_

_**What do you want me to say?**_

_**That I am content? That I am on the fence? That I wish you would've stayed?**_

_**Oh baby what do you want, what do you want, what do you want from me?**_

_**To come here and make love to me tonight**_

_**Cause you're feeling lonely.**_

_Watching you as you sleep so silently in my arms. Taking me back to when you were mine and not his. Why did you have to break my heart? Why keep taking me back, knowing what it does to me when I see your number on the phone._

_I am trying so hard not to fall back into you. But baby I can't deny what my heart wants to say, knowing I will just end up hurt again._

_**When we wake up and say goodbye its like I'm losing you again.**_

_**Can't you see? So what do you want from me?**_

_Gone you are yet again, after the night we have had. He couldn't do what I always did. He doesn't know you like I do._

_You called me Friday to ask how I am doing. To you it might just be a hello, but to me it's hearing the heartbreak all over again._

_You told me how much you miss me. As we are one the phone I hear how happy you are with him and I realized all we have now is a friendship and I can not ruin that by asking you to come back to me?_

_I long to touch your face, I long to hold you and to call you mine again. To taste your sweet lips. _

_I lost you, I want you back, but I lost you to the better person. I lost you too him._

_My heart was broken when we made the decision to go our separate parts. You wanted a family, the love of your mother and I wanted you to be happy and that is exactly what I gave you. But why does it still hurt knowing that I will never stop my heart from loving you. Listening to that song each day just broke me a little each day._

_I asked you what it was like when I let you walk away. You said it was like a knife pushed through your already broken heart. I asked you what it would have been like if we would've stayed together. What our future would've been like._

_You told me a life full of love and devotion with no children and without our families. But you always wanted kids and your mother's approval._

_So I told you everything is fine you can have all that and so much more._

_You told me you never stopped loving me._

_Neither would I. even if I should find another one to love or how I should be loved._

_It would never change how I feel about you. Knowing you with him, knowing his touching you in places I once desired. Places only I knew about. _

_Places I will never have to feel or touch. That is why your calls have to stop because it's too hard to know and to know your heart is with someone else._

_The end_


	3. You Are My Song

_**You Are My Song**_

_**One Shot**_

_Some would say I am a really silly girl. Some would say Ash you could've have made this last forever. When I first met you almost two years ago and of that tow years we dated a fraction of fifteen months. _

_We had our worst fight a week ago. I guess it was the end of this friendship that I thought would last a lifetime. My anger and my jealousy took over. I just don't like the fact another woman is sending you emails are so much as look at you. _

_I know dumb right, but if you only knew how I feel. I can't explain it to you, it's hard for me to lay my feelings out vocally and that is why I write to you. I write these letters or whatever you want to call it, to tell you that I do love you, that I think you are my other half. _

_I just can't be with you now, or the way I am now. I am a mess, the biggest mess that I have been in months. Our break up was hard on both of us, but still we spoke. After last weeks fight, and not talking to you for an entire week, was like my soul died._

_I wrote this for you, its just words that flew out my brain. It goes something like this._

_**I broke your heart again tonight,**_

_**I think it was the last time**_

_**That I am getting the chance to speak to you,**_

_**You asked me tonight,**_

_**Why do you stay?**_

_**And why do you let me hurt you?**_

_**I can't tell you why I take every chance to push you further away.**_

_**I don't know what you are thinking right now?**_

_**Because there are words on my heart**_

_**That is scaring me so much.**_

_**You are the one that I do know.**_

_**I always knew that, but I am just so scared.**_

_**That one day you will meet someone else.**_

_**And forget about me here all alone,**_

_**Waiting and longing for you.**_

_**Do you know why I do that?**_

_**Its because, I love you so much.**_

_**More then any other girl or boy **_

_**I have dated.**_

_**Just you are what I wanted.**_

_**But you are so far, this distance is killing me.**_

_**Slowly, there are times that I really need you,**_

_**To hold me, to comfort me,**_

_**And to tell me its okay.**_

_**Just having you through the internet**_

_**And on the phone isn't enough for me?**_

_**You may think that I am going to move on**_

_**To another girl, but baby I can't ever love another.**_

_**When you have my heart.**_

_**I don't ever want to have it back.**_

_**Even if you and I never see each other again,**_

_**Never hold each other,**_

_**I would know my heart is safe in yours.**_

_**You are the one; you will always be the one.**_

_Do you remember that day I told you that I wasn't going too wait for you. I still will because you are my soul mate. I know that we are meant for each other, because if I look at it. I am not me when you aren't here._

_Like that story about the Greek legend. We never really need words to show how much we love each other. It's just a love that exists in us._

_That true lovers are really two halves of the same person. It says that people that wander around searching for their other half, and when they find them they are finally whole and perfect._

_You know that this is all knew to me. Liking girls. Us all of it. We dated for so long and we wanted to meet so eagerly. _

_You saw me getting scared, fearing the bigger picture, the real world, about how will people treat us, accept us. _

_You told me this._

"_I want to be in the real world with you, Ash." I was sitting in my computer chair. We were close to finally meeting._

"_I want to be in the real world, but we keep running away from the topic." She said. I knew I was running away. I was starting to see an exit an I want to escape through it._

"_I don't want to be afraid of this, me and you and the physical part of loving you besides the online loving." She was talking on the webcam and I was just listening starting to feel on the edge._

"_You are making me afraid to want this with you, you are making me guilty and dirty and sinful to what I want." I saw tears starting to form down her blue eyes._

_I love her I really do, but I don't know if I would ever be enough for her, if by some chance I am not good enough to love her, to do all those things people do once they in love. I was never in love before until Spencer. _

"_No!" I shouted. I don't know what else to say._

"_No!" she asked me._

"_I..I.. its not dirty at all Spencer. I don't want to make you afraid also. I am just as afraid as you are." I tell her._

"_Now why do you keep running away from me? Why do you keep pushing me further and further away." _

"_We aren't the same you and I. it scares me a lot, just thinking about the intimate parts of this relationship. Not because I think it's wrong. At least I don't that at all. It's mostly because it's so strong, the love and the friendship and every part of It." it was words that rested upon my heart, that I wanted to tell her for so long. _

_Not knowing how intense the love between us is. A love that could really touch you in ways that you would never imagine. A love that people write about in books, that Daniele Steele and Sandra Brown makes a buck load of money. Here we are two girls in different parts of this world that share a kind of love that will never come by ever again. A love I am still scared off. A girl that I know would love me till the day I am old and wrinkle. She was truly the one that could've loved me._

_We built back our friendship. I told her I was going to take time apart to search what my heart is looking for until the next girl came along and I realised that no matter how far I run from Spencer, the love she has for me, and the love I will always have for her. That no other girl will ever be her. I can't even love another woman because like I said, I am just not whole when she isn't around._

_She is the oxygen in my lungs. She is the one I want to grow old with. What am I even searching for when my other half has already found me? All I can say is mahal na kita (I love you)._

_You will never know true happiness until you have truly loved, and you will never understand what pain really is until you have lost._


	4. The Distance

_**The Distance**_

_**One Shot**_

_There are so many things I wanted to do with you. I wanted to take you on dates, make you breakfast in the mornings, watch you while you asleep. Sometimes I would picture you laying there beside me, as you wrap your arms around my waist pulling me closer to you. I remember one morning it was raining loud outside that was the day I stayed in my bed the morning just listening to the rain as the dripping of the water would fall on my windowsill._

_**The sky has lost its colour**_

_**The sun has turned to grey **_

_**At least that's how it feels to me**_

_**Whenever you're away**_

_I started to remember the time when you were here laying beside me; you crawl up to me as you pull me closer towards you._

_Being spooned by you was the best part of my morning. I could feel you kiss the back of my neck as you run your tongue up and down my bare back. It usually is ticklish because you know how I get. I started to move around. Your one leg went over mine as we lay there intertwined with each other._

_I turn around as I face you looking into your beautiful brown eyes. I can't tell you but there is just something in those eyes of yours that makes me fall even harder then I already have._

_It's the little moments like this I miss about having you beside me._

_**I crawl up in the corner**_

_**To watch the minutes pass**_

_**Each one brings me closer to**_

_**The time you're coming back**_

_Whenever it rains I keep remembering that moment being hold by you, being kissed by you, and making love to you until we both get ready to start our days. Mostly you would be busy working with your music and I would be here writing. Watching you as you are in deep concentration. When you told me you wanted to start your own business, I just never thought your business would take you as far as Philippines while I am here waiting for you. _

_The distance was always something I knew that was hard to accept, but it was your dream and I wasn't about to tell you no you can't live out your dream. We promised to keep in touch._

_**I can't take the distance **_

_**I can't take the miles**_

_**I can't take the time**_

_**Until I next see you smile**_

_**I can't take the distance**_

_**And im not ashamed**_

_**That with every breath I take**_

_**I'm calling your name**_

_Every night when I get from work and open the front door I expect to see you laying on the couch either asleep are watching cartoons. That was the thing about you I love, you had this love for children cartoons its something I always loved about you. When we would lay in bed on a Sunday and you are watching the cartoons and I would be reading my newspaper or a book._

_The distance and the miles between us I can't stand it anymore. That is when I found this song I just couldn't stop listening to it. Whenever you say goodbye on the phone I can't wait for the minutes or day to pass to hear your voice again. I can't take this life not having you here, not seeing your smile. _

_**I can't take the distance**_

_**I still believe my feelings**_

_**But sometimes I feel too much**_

_**I make believe you're close to me**_

_**It aint close enough**_

_**Not nearly close**_

_I walk inside, I enter our bedroom and you aren't there. Your cupboard is empty. Your drawers are empty. I walk into our joint bathroom. Your side is cleared, your toothbrush is gone. I walked into your music room, your music sheets is gone. I walked into the kitchen, as I open the kitchen cupboards and your favourite mug is gone. _

_I turn around as I hit my back against the refrigerator. I stood there, just stood as I start to feel my eyes getting wet. I start to touch my face as tears start to run more it came so fast that I couldn't stop it. I didn't want to stop them from falling._

_**I brave fire**_

_**And I brave rain**_

_**To be by your side**_

_**Id do anything**_

_**I can't take the distance**_

_I would walk the miles; I would have tried to live with the distance. I would've tried my best I could. Just to be with you each night. I asked you so many times if this would work. Can we make it work? While you were gone away in another country things changed in that first months. _

_Knowing how much I loved you. The world without you is so different. Waiting for you that first month at the airport, watching you walking towards me. I have never been so in love with anyone until that moment I saw you smiling. As you walked right into my arms. Embracing each other. I couldn't stop kissing you. I missed that so much._

_**I will go the distance**_

_**I will go the miles**_

_I knew things wasn't the same as it was before you left? When you came back again. The second time to come see me. Seeing as it was our 15 months anniversary you wanted to spend it together and not apart. You flew all the way from Manila, Philippines just to make it special. _

_When I think about it, I wish you haven't come. I wish you haven't said the things you have. I wish I could erase everything that lead up to that moment._

_**That's how much you mean to me**_

_**Cause I cant take the distance**_

_**I can't take these miles**_

_**I can't take the time till I next see you smile**_

_**I can't take the distance**_

_**And im not ashamed **_

_**That with every breath I take **_

_We stood that morning in our kitchen. I was busy making us breakfast. I didn't even notice that you were standing behind me. You startled me as you said my name. Not the usually way you would. It sounded lost, different and empty. Like it was you standing there but the person starring back at me wasn't the woman I fell in love with._

"_I have to talk to you." I spin around seeing you were all dressed. _

"_Yes." I said. _

_I remember you walking towards me, but not closely as you take my hand. Playing with the ring you gave me over a year ago. _

_I watched while you were playing, trying to gather your words._

_I look up at you._

"_Ash are you okay." I asked._

_You looked at me and nodded yes._

_But I knew that something wasn't right._

"_Spencer I don't know how to tell you this. I don't know how because what I am about to do isn't what I really want. But it's necessary for right now."_

_My tears didn't fall, I wouldn't cry, I am not going to cry. I kept telling myself that. I watched how she took the keys out her pocket and putting it onto the kitchen counter._

_I heard a goodbye, I felt the kiss. _

_I saw her turning around. I watched all that happening and all I could do is watch her walking out of our kitchen, walking out of the house that was once ours. What hurts the most was watching her walking out of my life._

_The worst part of it all was hearing two days later that she has been in a terrible plain crash while she was on her way to South Africa. I never even knew she was going there until her business partner called me._

_It was all those things, the pain, and the distance that was between us. Even though it was another country, now the distance between us, is heaven and earth. Leaving me here all alone. Listening to her music now takes my breath away. Hearing her sing this song, The Distance. The fact that she wrote this song for me, wishing that she could be with me. Wanting to see my smile. That she too couldn't take the distance anymore._

_**I'm calling your name**_

_**I can't take the distance**_


	5. Our love Story

_**Our love Story**_

_Pictures albums lying around of people coming in and out of my life. Were they all a dream, did I imagine I once upon a time new a country girl, did I dream that I once upon a time new a Filipino. Did I dream them all? Did they love me once upon a time? Did I hurt them once upon a time? Why did I not fight for what my heart wanted? I once heard a saying time heals all wounds, but dam nit this heart seem to never heal from all the loss._

_Like P Sawyer said, People Always Leave, maybe its me. Maybe I am just not meant to be in love, or maybe I wasn't good enough for anyone. Here I am a lost writer, writing her heart out to let out all those pain she has kept in for so long. Days turn into weeks, those weeks turned into months, those months turned into an entire year. _

_I had a years worth of thinking and of writing. My emotions just started swelling the more I kept it in, like the emotions started to show in a physical form, it was like I was enjoying the pain. It was so refreshing to feel every pulsing pain that came rushing through my body. I was rushed to the doctors, saying that I might have a heart problem, heart rate started to escalate as I am sitting there doctor looks at me with big eyes, shouting almost, I couldn't hear my name as I was back into another trance, Ash I kept hearing but I am not responding to her voice, its like my ears had gone close with only muffled sounds coming through._

_She had me lay on the guinea, I can't even recall as she had the needle searching for a vein to get some blood I couldn't all together make out what she is saying, but I just couldn't calm down. I was talking to myself saying there names, wondering if they knew what is going on, would they even care. If I should die here, right now. I wanted the doctor to help me, but I also didn't want to be left on this earth to be feeling so much emotions as tears came falling down my face. I saw the clear tube being filled with my blood, as she try to get me to stay still so the needle wont push even further._

_Lost so much weight from not eating some people thought I am anorexic, I might as well have been since there is only bones left of what was once upon a time meat._

_The doctor had me write down a number, I think it belongs to my mother; I am just not with her._

_I walk through this world; I walk pass people who think they better off as I am. Watching them with deep concentration. Walking down the road I keep wondering how it would feel to walk in this traffic, how if I would slip would a car hit me. All these things left in my mind. The pills I once upon a time consumed were all washed away down the drain. _

_It was like the stronger the pain got the stronger or the more my dose went. I kept thinking about those two girls, those two girls I would never forget, those two girls I would one day not have in my life. Just by everything I have done and said, hurting the ones I loved._

_My love story with each one was special in there way._

_So I lost them, and the doctors send my blood away for all types of exams. Yet back home I am frightened I didn't even want to know the results. I switched my cell phone off for over two weeks._

_Not long again, I ended up at the emergency room, again, the same problem, I was losing weight like every second I breathe, and my breath became shallower._

_I sat there waiting for the doctor to help me, like they normally do, give you pills and send you on your way. _

_While there she read up my file of my last time I have seen her, until she told me the results. Sitting there panicking what might be it, what is wrong with me, because by this time I am sure they would send me away to get healthy._

"_Doc I never received my results." I said._

"_We called." She said. I lied and told her my phone has been broken ever since._

"_You results came back negative. We only got that you anaemic." That is it. I knew about that. For the rest of my life I have to live off a certain tablet to give me extra energy, extra blood so I could go on in this world. For a life time I cant do things normal young people do? I will always be more tired than the average 20 something._

_Maybe there are alota other people who suffer from this, but living with it, not knowing if you would ever get better or if it would get worse over time._

_That is why our love stories always end up with pain and anger. Because I don't know if I could have ever made either one happy._

_That this is how it should've been me here all alone._

_Pictures of you_

_Flashing cameras all around me_

_There you were just standing_

_Just a vision_

_That same smile,_

_Those same eyes,_

_Just staring _

_While pictures been taken._

_I go home and I open the album_

_My fingers running on the outline_

_Of you're features_

_Smiling pictures taken by you._

_Without me in it._

_A tear drop falling on your picture_

_Ruined by the tears that seems_

_To be running freely_

_As it covers your face completely,_

_Smudged by the wetness_

_Nothing to dry it with,_

_As I start to feel sadder._

_Looking at what I just did_

_My work, your picture ruined._

_Pictures of you,_

_That is all you left me with_

_Never wanted to destroy them,_

_I knew at that point I would_

_Never see your face._

_Pictures _

_Of _

_You._

_Gone, no need to repair._

_Smudged_

_Face_

_Nothing left to see._

_Pictures of you gone._


	6. Every Body Gets A Second Chance

_**Everybody Gets a Second Chance**_

_**One Shot**_

_In life we are bound to make a mistake, bound to do the wrong thing instead of the right. Like me I always do the things that get me in trouble. Most days I felt like being in a relationship with someone that wants to punish me for who I am. Yes I didn't come into this relationship being perfect, none of us are. I am only human, and we make mistakes. _

_Whenever Spencer and I try again. To solve the problems within our relationship or even our friendship. She left me over two months ago, and for that two months I have been seeing someone, it wasn't anything serious for her to over react about. We were already broken up._

_**A single failure**_

_**A little slip**_

_**A misdemeanour**_

_**A little trip**_

_**Does this condemn me?**_

_**Lock me away?**_

_**Before you turn the key**_

_**I have one more thing to say**_

_**To make amends**_

_**Maybe be friends**_

_I started to feel more and more lost, believing I am a failure that I slip up all the time. The pain and the ache of not being with the women you want to be, because you afraid at some point she would see for herself that you aren't her one true love. Who does that to someone they claim to love. _

_This other girl she is only a stand in, she is just there because I hate to be alone._

_When Spencer asked me the other day, why do I keep doing the same thing over and over, cheat then lie to her about it. Maybe I am a liar, maybe this is who I have always been a compulsive liar to keep my inner fears a secret. To keep them from leaving, but yet they still do. Before Spencer there was another girl who I also loved, and the same thing happen. I believe that I am just not one to settle down with one person. I am still young and want to experience this world._

_**Everybody gets a second chance**_

_**The circumstance to say I'm sorry**_

_**I'd like to tell you in advance**_

_**Take my chance and tell you**_

_**I'm sorry too**_

_Sleeping with another woman doesn't seem right at all. I wished you were here Spencer and I wish you understood me better. That I am not like you. I mess up; I hurt people because its how I have to protect my heart. Giving you all of me, having you break down my walls like you did, taking my heart, loving me like only you knew how to. Saying I am your forever, that we are meant to be together._

_Every day I ask myself if only I could make this better. If I could take out this heart of mine, and jump on it until there is no life in it anymore. To lay there to be eaten by the dogs. Right now I am in a dark state. I am here crying as I am writing you all this._

_My mistakes aren't supposed to be used against me whenever we fight. Every time I think we getting this much closer. You have to bring it all up again. Yes I slip, I failed, I stumbled, yet you condemn me for my entire life._

_I remember your last words to me. _

"_Will you ever change can you, because, Ash I don't believe you can."_

_I didn't reply, because my heart couldn't feel anymore pain._

"_You like the attention you get from other women, you a liar and you both deserve each other."_

_When someone tells you that automatically you screwed for life. You screwed because the person telling you that is the person you trust and believe in every thing they say._

_Her calling me desperate, her saying those words maybe pushed me to get defensive, she is insulting me. She is breaking every last feeling I could ever have for other women._

_**A little stumble**_

_**A little fall**_

_**Inconsequential**_

_**Nothing at all**_

_**Now there was someone**_

_**I heard her say**_

_**That the best laid plans**_

_**Sometimes go astray**_

_**If I offer you no alibis**_

_Before you think anything worst of me, before I close my eyes tonight, I would like to tell you in advance or just maybe it's too late, because the worst has already been done._

_So I write to you this final letter, this final words that you would ever received from me, someone like me who was too stupid to know what she had with you until it was already to late. I hope that in the days that will go by, that you will remember me the way I first was when we met. Remember the girl who couldn't wait to see your beautiful blue eyes, the women who couldn't stop from smiling because she was walking on cloud nine, the women that started to open up to you slowly and surely I let you all the way in. breaking down my strong exterior that I show the world, the women that told you once upon a time you are her forever and always, the women that dreamt with you a life, a family, a house we could both call a home, seeing the happy faces of our kids, how you wanted twins and I wanted just one. _

_All those little things that made us love each other. The poems, the songs, the gifts, and the love you gave me for nearly two years. All those and so much more._

_This is all the over now, its ending with me, right here. No second chances, maybe there are a thing like a second chance, maybe we all deserved it, but I screwed it up._

_Just like the pills I am about to take, to leave this world without hurting another girl, another person. This world was always better without me in it. _

_This is my second chance, to start over in another life, wherever that may take me._

_**Every body wants a **_

_**Every body needs a**_

_**Every body gets a second chance**_

_Slowly…slowly, until there is nothing left of me, no pulse, no heart beat, no breath, and no nothing. I stumbled and I failed so many. This is the best way out. _

_Spencer I will always love you, I said forever and always._

_This death bed, this is our forever and always._

_The way I see it we all win. I get this and you get someone to love again. Someone that would be the better women. Without having too worried so much about your poor best friend that feels sorry for herself most of the time._

_I am saying in advance sorry._

_Goodbye my forever and always._

_The end._


	7. Mix Tape

**Mix Tape one shot **

There will always be that one girl, the special one that your heart will never ever let go of no matter how hard you try, she will be present in the inner core in the depth of your soul, sitting on the valve of the lining of your heart. She's in every vain, in every blood artery that travels through your immune system. She's the life support you live on. She is in your every waking moment, in every dream. She's there in the distance, but also not too far also not too close.

She is that one girl that you have been through almost every obstacle that life has put in your path. She is the one that kept you motivated when all else seem to go wrong or downhill in your life.

She never gave up on you. Never doubted you for one second, she inspires you to be someone deep down you know you can be. If you ever find this woman in your life I am going to tell you now hold on to her, because there will come a day when she is no longer there holding your hand and being the perfect woman she is in your eyes. Because one day you will do some stupid thing and mess it up so bad that she walks out of your life.

You push her so far that she walks right into some bitch face arms and you can't do shit to stop that from happening.

No you can't do anything, by making this whole sorted thing even more awkward for the both of you.

You are so consumed with anger towards the new girl taking someone from you, someone that you try to deny that you still loved, yet I never even thought about it much.

The woman I lost is none other than that beautiful blonde girl that I swore would never hurt, yes Spencer.

She's every woman's dream, and every man's perfect wife. Yet I had her and I have lost her.

She's the reason why I am sitting in this dark studio writing the most depressing lyrics and combined it as a mix tape.

_I really don't feel like talking on the phone_

_And I really don't feel like company at home_

_Lately I don't wanna do the things I used to do_

_Baby since I lost you_

Have you ever lost your favourite pet and your parents tells you he or she died, that is how I am feeling. I'm filled with rage inside of me, it's not towards Spencer no I can't be mad at her.

Even though I want to be drive me so mad that I wish someone would come and tell me Ash it's all going to be okay. Those are the words I don't want to hear right now.

_And I don't want to sing another love song, babe_

_I don't want to hum another melody_

_I don't want to live my life without you, babe yeah_

_It's driving me crazy_

There is something the new girl would never know about her. I know how many smiles you have, how many different faces of sadness. When you have that glow and when you don't.

_I really don't feel like smiling anymore_

_And I haven't had the peace to sleep at all_

_Ever since you went away, baby my whole life has changed_

_I don't want to love and I don't want to live_

You have more than one smile, the one smile is when I hear your voice on the phone that is the first the second is when you see me and you're eyes and everything lights up, the third is when you look at me with that smile that only made me love you more. You have two kinds of sadness, the one is when someone has disappointed you, and the second one is when I do something that hurt you.

_Girl, I don't want to laugh, I don't wanna play_

_I don't wanna talk, have nothing to say_

_I don't want to tour, forget this show, how can I go on_

_Now that you are gone._

When you frown it breaks my heart even until now. The glow you use to carry has turned off, it's completely gone. Your face is darker it doesn't light up like before all the pictures after we separated became sad. The frown became more permanent.

I know every heartache you've had, every childhood memory. I know what your dreams are; I know whose face appears in all them. I know you even before we met, before I saw your face I already knew you.

_Come back to me, honey you right here_

_Don't want to sing or hum another melody_

_I don't want to sing another love song babe_

_I don't want to hum another melody_

_I don't want to live my life without you babe_

_It's driving me crazy._

No one will ever share the things we've had. I tried to move on, but not with my heart. Those girls I have met along the way I made sure that they were less then who I want to end up with in this world. Dating woman that I know I can't ever fall for or even have a long term relationship with. They weren't you none will ever be you because my heart already belonged to someone else.

_I don't know but I believe _

_That some things are meant to be_

_And that you'll make a better me_

_Every day I love you_

_I never thought that dreams came true_

_But you showed me that they do._

Love is tragic once you thought you got everything you ever wanted. I wish I knew then Spencer; I wish I could reach out to you and grab you into my opening arms. Just hold you for one more time.

_You know that I learn something new _

_Every day I love you_

_Cos I believe that destiny _

_Is out of our control (don't you know that I do)_

_And you'll never live until you love_

_With all your heart and soul_

_It's a touch when I feel bad_

_It's a smile when I get mad_

_All the little things I am_

_Every day I love you_

_Every day I love baby_

_Every day I love you_

Our path our love story is this end, is this last song that I will have to write, my last take on love.

The love I once took for granted, I cross question myself over the last few months and I've wondered around facing life and thinking just maybe if I fix myself, if I get the help I need to move beyond the point of where I once were. The monster I have become. I blamed you for so many things, for turning me into the monster I once were and yet you still loved me whether I have hurt you are not. You became my all, my life support. My world isn't ever going to be the same because all I now see is you with her and me this side watching how you become distant from me.

_Cos I believe that destiny _

_Is out of our control_

_And you'll never live until love_

_With all your heart and soul_

_If I asked would you say yes?_

_Together were the very best._

When I look at you I don't see happiness, I watch you I study your words you write to me each and every day. Yet I don't feel that there is anything good between you and her all I see is a woman that wants to be with someone, but she would rather be with someone that wouldn't hurt her then being with the one she truly loves.

_I know that I am truly blessed_

_Every day I love you_

_And I'll give you my best_

_Every day I love you._

I go around in circles, my friends tell me leave her alone, let her be, but my heart is telling me a different tune. Do I go with my head or do I go with my heart. Yet I am so afraid of getting hurt all over again, making myself vulnerable to you.

Yes that entire woman I had after you did hurt me, they hurt me emotionally because they couldn't get to my heart they took something else from me.

_I've been alone searching for love till you came along_

_And touched my heart with you in my life _

_I'll never think twice_

_It's you I've been waiting to call_

_Maybe its you I'm thinking of_

_Who'll mend this broken heart of mine?_

_It's you I'm wishing for who'll be with me tonight_

_Someone to hold, someone to cry, someone who'll make me feel alive_

_Maybe it's you all my life_

I surround myself in these relations with others thinking it would give me some time away from you, to leave the most intense relationship that I have ever had with someone for awhile just to breath just to recoup from the depths of my soul, there will never just be a you and a me, there will always be a you and me with another person always coming between us.

_No lonely hours but just precious times_

_I turn to you and I'm alright_

_Oh_

_Never will die these feelings inside_

_With you every moment is forever_

You and I have a history that was written before we even met. A love story that could touch peoples hearts. The odds are always against us since the moment we started out someone came along and kept us apart. A string of women has come and gone out of my life, but there was always you.

You showed me love; you showed me love that I have never known in my 26 years of living on this earth. A love that I thought could withstand just about anything and anyone. Every woman gets jealous of the love I have for you.

The way I made you my all, my muse, my inspiration. My world hasn't been the same since you've left me and made a life for yourself.

_You are the song _

_Playing so softly in my heart_

_I reach for you, you seem so near yet so far_

_I hope and I pray_

_You'll be with me someday_

_I know down inside_

_You are mine and I'm your true love_

_Or am I dreaming_

Someone always trying to end us, ending our friendship.

I don't know what is next for me, what is next for my life upon this cliff-hanger were on right now. How many hearts can still be broken, still go on when you know what is inside your heart, you know the face that is with you all through life's ups and downs. I can go on with my life and pretend that I don't love you, that you and I will never have that life we once dreamt of. Spencer it's the hardest thing to do to try and show no emotion when it's hurting every part of me knowing that this is the end.

_How can I each time try you say goodbye_

_You were there _

_You look my way I touch the sky_

_We can share tomorrow and forever more_

_And I'll be there to love you so_

That I can't feel this heartache, twisting like a knife inside of me. I also wish you weren't that closely connected to my soul, and then this could have been so easy for me to move on with my life.

To open my heart to someone else, to try again at love, but I cant you see. It doesn't work like that because wherever you are you carry my heart inside of yours and wherever I am I carry yours inside of mine, so how can I let go.

The memories leaks through my mind as it happened all the other day.

_I look in your eyes_

_I know what you're thinking of_

_I try not to say_

_The words that might scare you away_

_I know down inside_

_You are mine and I'm your true love_

_Please no more dreaming_

_How can I each time try you say goodbye_

_You look my way I touch the sky_

_We can share tomorrow and forever more_

_I'll be there to love you so_

_You are my song._

_Right now my heart is an open door and I want to close it to give up and let the last of my hurt be completely vaporized because each day is like living the pain all over. Three years of knowing you and this is where I can't seem to get my way through to the other side. I have only one thing to do, but to let you go and I hope that this love story will one day find you and make you think of what isn't there anymore._

"_Out of all life's experiences was always left with words I didn't say. The things that truly mattered, yet we let it slipped, and while that happened we gave away our own power. Life is like a film watching flashbacks of the past as it disappears instantly leaving you to wonder what did I miss. The words you never said, the words that was sitting on the tip of your tongue. Yet you walk through life always journeying through life's expectancy's."_

The end

AN: It's been along time since I have written anything in fan fiction but im sure this story would be liked by some of you.

I have called it the mix tape. I have used songs from Toni Braxton, Boyzone, Jolina (Filipino artist) & Regine Velasquez (Filipino artist)

Thanks for reading.

Chimhill


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